Emotional Intelligence
In previous posts I mentioned that the level of emotional intelligence and the ability to read other peoples' feelings and thoughts and feel the empathy is on average better in women than men.
Evolutionary psychologists explain that this ability helped women recognize dangerous and aggressive behaviors and as a results protect their children. It also helped them understand the needs of babies who cannot speak yet. A negative side of stronger emotional center is that women get more easily agitated, are more sensitive and react strongly towards negative emotions such as fear.
When a woman is faced with emotions from other people, a part of the brain for emotional empathy activates. When a man is faced with the same emotions, the same part activates only for a short while but very soon the cognitive empathy center activates. This means that they respond to an emotion with rational thinking instead of long term empathy. In addition, men take much more time to read the body language and facial clues on how other people think and feel. The only emotion they can read as quickly as women is a threat or anger.
When a woman is upset and the man realizes it, his natural tendency is to rationally analyze the situation and offer solutions, while the only thing a woman wants is a hug and comfort. Many women complain about their men being non-empathetic, cold and distant. But this doesn't mean that they care less. It is just the way their brain is programmed and has been trained by the society.
On average men give more importance to hierarchy and success. It is built in their genetical code to compete and win. That is why it is important for them to ensure and keep their status at work and in the society. They tend to react very strongly to anything that might jeopardize their status.
Mature Age
In the menopause woman's centers for emotional empathy start to be less sensitive to emotions because of decrease in estrogen and oxytocin. When taking care of the children she wont feel as good as before and she becomes less sensitive to other peoples' needs. The drive to help her close family is being replaced with a drive to have impact on a broader society.
Perimenopause is one of the most volatile hormonal periods in woman's life, where one minute she can feel ecstatic and the other completely depressed. In that period woman faces all kinds of menopause symptoms, from heath waves, depression, insomnia to depression and anxiety.
The male brain will never suffer from such a dramatic decrease in hormons, and therefore, the change in this age will be much more prominent for women. Also, the level of testosteron in a woman decreases even further and her libido weakness. Sometimes, the reverse happens and woman feels the so called "postmenopause uplift" because she won't worry anymore about getting pregnant, about her children and is not worried about how she looks.
In this period woman become less interested in taking care of her children all the time, especially once the children become independent and leave the home. The separation from children already starts in teenage age when there is much less physical contact. In addition, she is less willing to take care of her husband and do the household work. Instead, she now want to spends her times on things she didn't have the time before, from social work, to friendships and travels. The brain is now at the intellectual peak so many women decide to study again. In summary, they rediscover their freedom.
If she has grandchildren, woman became very much engaged and enjoys her new role. In this time she reconnects with her children as she starts to play an important role in their lives.
When a man reaches the age of fifties and sixties, there is a decrease in testosteron and vasopressin which makes him more cuddly and emotional. The male brain becomes more similar to a female one. Now he listens more, and is more attentive and caring about his family and partners. Many men are more than thrilled to take on the role of being a grandpa and taking care of their grandchildren sometimes gives them more pleasure than it was taking care of their own.
The key to overcoming the difference at all the stages in our lives is to be aware of them and align the expectations that we have from each other that reflect those differences. The research shows that when we criticize the other person, it takes five compliments to neutralize the negative feelings we produce with the critique. Therefore, in order to maintain harmonious relationships, the author suggests more compliments, less critique, more understanding and accepting the other person as they are.
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