Right vs Wrong

In May I attended a seminar about, among other things, bringing awareness to a fixed way of being and/or having a persistent complaint.

How can you recognize whether you have a fixed way of being or a persistent complaint?

It happens, for example, when you have an argument with your parents and you get stubborn only to prove them wrong. Or if you think that your way of living and decisions you make are better than your friends' or acquaintances', and catch yourself thinking: "I could never do what he/she did!" Or when you think that the way household is run is the only right way to do it and you complain to your husband/wife how "they just don't get it". Or if at work you catch yourself thinking, or maybe even saying: "I would never do the thing you did. This is so wrong. I would have done a much better job than you." Or if you come to a post office or a bank, and you catch yourself thinking: "The workers here are so inefficient and slow. They are wasting my time."

The payoff of this actions is that you are right, and they are wrong. That you dominate while someone else is being dominated by you. That you are winning and they are losing. "They" in this context can be anyone, from colleagues to your significant other, parents, siblings or friends. In all these situations you are stopping the good feelings to emerge, such as love, affinity, vitality, satisfaction and fulfillment.

What happens on each side? The people around you will inevitably feel bad, especially if you express or show your point of view (the body language is sometimes louder than words). You, on the other hand, will get upset and feel negative emotions in the pursuit of "winning" the argument. You might feel that you "won" something, that you are right and have a short feel-good moment. But it will be only that: a flashlight of happiness. This cannot bring you a continuous happiness because, while winning you are also losing. You lost a nice moment you could have had with that person. It is our reactive side when our buttons are pushed that activates and wants us to be right at any cost, at all times. Sometimes, the cost is massive and irreversible even though it's not immediately visible or apparent.

Next time you catch yourself thinking: "You are so wrong. I am so right.", stop for a moment, take a deep breath and let go of those familiar feelings that are coming over you. Decide not to react this time. Maybe it will allow you to create space for kindness and forgiveness. Maybe the situation that normally drives you crazy, this time won't feel bad at all. And just maybe, you will get a smile from that bank-teller, a compliment from your colleague, and a hug from your significant other.