Mars vs Venus (Adulthood)

Adulthood Age: "I want a partner"

Choosing the partner

The research shows that women on conscious and subconscious level choose a partner based on their material and social status and are less concerned about the looks. Women are also on average more attracted to older (3-4 years) and taller men. Women are more selective in their choice as they put much more effort in the whole reproduction system: it takes them 9 months of pregnancy, difficult giving birth and breast feeding to ensure the child's survivor, while a man only needs to "plant one seed".

The men, on the other hand, looks for more physical clues in their partners. They are observant of signs of partners' health, such as clean skin, shiny eyes and hair, full lips, and sand watch type of figure. Why are those important? On a subconscious level they show signs of fertility.

Historically, men used to overestimate their qualities when presenting themselves to women so women learnt how to spot the lies and exaggeration. This is exactly when the ability to read facial expressions and emotions comes handy to women. Due to this increased caution women fall in love more slowly than men do.

Infatuation

When humans fall in love, the centers for caution (amigdale) and critical thinking (front cingular cortex) are turned off. This is why we do not see negative sides of our loved ones. At the same time the brain produces more dopamin and oxytocin which makes us happy and puts us in the state of ecstasy, similar to the effect of drugs. Separation from the loved one triggers a chemical reaction similar to one of drugs withdrawal.

Touching and hugging produce oxytocin and dopamin that increase the sense of connectedness with the other person. The caring and love centers dominate while skepticism and caution disappear.

Relationship

After about a year into a relationship, the levels of dopamin and oxytocin decrease and deactivate constant desire and pleasure seeking. Now the centers for attachment and connection activate. At this point many women (and also men) start doubting their choice because they don't feel so much in love anymore. But what happens is the activation of centers for attachment and connection that brings the sense of stability, joy and relaxation. This makes couples less focused on each other which is critical once the baby comes along. It seems that the drop in the romantic love and sexual intensity happens in order to ensure that the humans reproduce and take care of their babies.

The hormon that keeps men connected is vasopressin and it gets activated by touch. This is why men need two to three times more touching to maintain the levels of oxytocin.

Another difference is in the context in which the connection happens. Women get more attached to a men if they are not in a stressful stage in their lives. Namely, the stress reduced the oxytocin levels and makes women less willing to get intimate and connected. Men on the other hand are more likely to fall in love when they are in a highly stressful environment (stress at work, or intense physical strain).

Monogamy vs Polygamy

There is one gen that influences a vasopressin receptor and that gen defines a man's tendency towards monogamy or polygamy. The men with the longest variation of the gen are more reliable and loyal partners. It seems that size does matter :)

The next post will be about parenthood and then finally the mature age.