Radnomness

The one thing I love and hate about the City is its randomness. There are so many people in a limited space, and I guess, everything is considered "normal".

So for example, today I went running to the Central Park with my friend. At some point we turned onto the Fifth Avenue. Needless to say, it was really challenging to run among hundreds of people walking up and down the street. But everyone seemed to consider running in the busiest street in NYC as normal and acceptable. Then I imagined if I ran in the middle of the busiest street back home, in Zagreb for example (Cvjetni Trg on a Saturday morning), I'm sure people would be at least a bit surprised or consider us to be a little bit crazy.

Yesterday I sat down in a subway and the girl who sat next to me started talking (better said, rambling) about how her pants are low cut so she needs to sit down, otherwise everyone will see her ass. And she wouldn't stop chatting for 3 stations about it until I got out of the train. Funny enough, people were looking at me to see my reaction and I was pretending as if I didn't hear anything. It would have been great to have my earplugs on in that situation.

Last night I randomly ran into a friend who did the same exchange program in Switzerland. We haven't seen each other for 6 years, and then we end up having drinks at the same rooftop.

There are endless random and funny encounters, and I'm sure there are more to come.

The Small Things in Life

Hello from NYC!

Today I officially moved to the most exciting city in the world - for me, that is, and for now :-).

I flew back to Boston to see some friends at HBS, which was lovely. It reminded me how fast life goes by, and how the circle of life is never ending: there are always new kids getting in, and the old ones graduating. The only constant is change. I guess it has to be this way. Otherwise, we would forget to appreciate the moments and situations that are given to us, we would stop learning and growing and take things and people for granted, become bored and boring at the same time.

Leaving home was hard in so many ways. I was there for 4 full months and had an incredible time with my friends and family. I was surrounded with the people who have been there with me through all of my big and small decisions, life changes, transformations, travels, career plans, education, good and bad times. It's an especially comforting feeling to be surrounded with them. It helped me reconnect to my true self and remember the important things in life.

In the very beginning of the summer (in June right after the graduation), when I had some travel plans for 2-3 weeks, I was seriously worried that I will be bored. At the end of the day, I had nothing to do, no projects, no deadlines, no work of any sort for that matter.

But as the summer progresses, I started to appreciate a slower, and certainly more balanced lifestyle. The days looked very similar but were extremely soothing for the soul and body. Eating my dad's delicious meals, running with my friends, going to the beach, playing with my nephew, going for dinners and drinks, playing cards, chatting with my mom and sister about our life plans, skyping with the friends all over the world. There were so many small things to do in a day, but things that matter. Seeing the first time my nephew clapped, or being there for my dear friends' wedding ceremony and preparation, or enjoying the sunset on the beach in October (the summer was particularly long this year). All these things don't add substantial value to the world, or could not be qualified as doing something efficient or productive. But for some reason, it made a lot of sense to just be there. There was a lot of emotional value added to both myself and, hopefully, people around me.

The decision to be at home for the whole summer will definitely pass the "deathbed" test. It's a test that I use to make big decisions. It goes as follows; any time I need to make a big decision, I ask myself a question: How will I feel about this decision when I'm on my deathbed, and where nothing matters any more. Will I regret doing or not doing something? The decision to spend the summer with my loved ones absolutely passes that test.

Now I feel reinvigorated and ready to start a new chapter in NYC. I can already tell it will be exciting and draining at the same time. Stay tuned for more on my adventures here.

Body Language Part 1

At HBS I have taken a course called Managing, Organizing and Negotiating for Value where one of the guests was Joe Navarro, an ex-FBI agent who specializes in non-verbal communication. The TV Show called Lie To Me is inspired and partially based on his book called What Every Body's Saying. A few weeks ago I ran into this book in the library and thought it would be interesting to share some of the guidance into the world of body language. In this part I will present the signals we receive and send with our lower body.

The Importance of Body Language

Body language is often more honest than an individual’s verbal pronouncements, which are consciously crafted to accomplish the speaker’s objectives because people are not always aware they are communicating nonverbally. Nonverbal behaviors comprise approximately 60 to 65 percent of all interpersonal communication and, during lovemaking, can constitute 100 percent of communication between partners.

The book talks about interpretation of body language and the signals we are sending to others. In very simple terms, there are basically two categories of movements or gestures: those that show comfort and those that show discomfort.

There are two of the three major “brains” within our cranial vault—the thinking neocortex brain and the more automatic limbic brain—that play a major role in our behavior. Both brains perform important functions. However, the limbic system is more important because it is the most honest brain—responsible for producing the most significant nonverbal signals for determining true thoughts and feelings.

When we experience a sense of comfort (well-being), the limbic brain “leaks” this information in the form of body language congruent with our positive feelings that show contentment and high confidence.

On the other hand, when we feel distressed (discomfort), the limbic brain expresses nonverbal behavior that mirrors our negative state of being, i.e. stress or low confidence. Whenever there is a limbic response—especially to a negative or threatening experience—it will be followed by so called pacifying behaviors.

The Most Common Pacifiers

When stressed, we might soothe our necks with a gentle massage, stroke our faces, or play with our hair. This is done automatically. Sometimes we pacify by rubbing our cheeks or our lips from the inside with our tongues, or we exhale slowly with puffed cheeks to calm ourselves. Men prefer to touch their faces. Women prefer to touch their necks, clothing, jewelry, arms, and hair.

Leg cleansing is one pacification behavior that often goes unnoticed because it frequently occurs under a desk or table (Fig 16). In this calming or pacifying activity, a person places the hand (or hands) palm down on top of the leg (or legs), and then slides them down the thighs toward the knee. Men normally use "ventilator", they put fingers between the shirt collar and neck and pull the fabric away from the skin (Fig 17).

In order to recognize the occurrence of pacifiers, one should first establish a "base line" of each person - their usual state of being when they are not in the state of comfort or discomfort.

When you see a person make a pacifying gesture, stop and ask yourself, “What caused him to do that?” You know the individual feels uneasy about something. Your job, as a collector of nonverbal intelligence, is to find out what that something is. Understand that pacifying behaviors almost always are used to calm a person after a stressful event occurs. Thus, as a general principle, you can assume that if an individual is engaged in pacifying behavior, some stressful event or stimulus has preceded it and caused it to happen.

Non-verbals of Feet and Legs

Surprisingly enough, the most honest part of our body is not our face but our feet. Namely, for millions of years, long before humans spoke, our legs and feet reacted to environmental threats (e.g., hot sand, meandering snakes, ill-tempered lions) instantaneously, without the need for conscious thought. Our limbic brains made sure that our feet and legs reacted as needed by either ceasing motion, running away, or kicking at a potential threat. This survival regimen, retained from our ancestral heritage, has served us well and continues to do so today. In fact, these age-old reactions are still so hardwired in us that when we are presented with something dangerous or even disagreeable, our feet and legs still react as they did in prehistoric times. First they freeze, then they attempt to distance, and finally, if no other alternative is available, they prepare to fight and kick. On the other hand, the face is the one part of the body that most often is used to bluff and conceal true sentiments.

Feet shifting direction can be an indicative sign (Fig 18). We tend to turn toward things we like or are agreeable to us, and that includes individuals with whom we are interacting. In fact, we can use this information to determine whether others are happy to see us or would prefer that we leave them alone.

From the hips up, we will face the person with whom we are talking. But if we are displeased with the conversation, our feet will shift away, toward the nearest exit. When a person turns his feet away, it is normally a sign of disengagement, a desire to distance himself from where he is currently positioned. When you are talking with someone and you note that he gradually or suddenly shifts his feet away from you, this is information you need to process.

Take note if a person who is sitting down places both hands on his knees in a knee clasp (Fig 19). This is a very clear sign that in his mind, he is ready to conclude the meeting and take leave. Usually this hands-on-knees gesture is followed by a forward lean of the torso and/or a shift of the lower body to the edge of the chair, both intention movements.

Happy feet are feet and legs that wiggle and/or bounce with joy (Fig 20). When people suddenly display happy feet—particularly if this occurs right after they have heard or seen something of significance—it’s because it has affected them in a positive emotional way.

Leg crossing is a particularly accurate barometer of how comfortable we feel around

another person; we don’t use it if we feel uncomfortable (Fig 23).

During high-comfort social interactions, our feet and legs will mirror those of the other person we are with (isopraxis) and will remain playful. In fact, in the extreme stages of comfort during courtship, the feet will also engage the other person through subtle foot touches or caresses.

During courtship, and particularly while seated, a woman will often play with her shoes and dangle them from the tips of her toes when she feels comfortable with her companion. Seated leg crosses are also revealing. When people sit side by side, the direction of their leg crosses become significant. If they are on good terms, the top leg crossed over will point toward the other person (Fig 24). If a person doesn’t like a topic his companion brings up, he will switch the position of the legs so that the thigh becomes a barrier (Fig 25).

When an individual suddenly turns his toes inward or interlocks his feet, it is a sign that he is insecure, anxious, and/or feels threatened (Fig 28). Interlocking ankles is again part of the limbic response to freeze in the face of a threat. Experienced nonverbal observers have noted how often people who are lying will not move their feet in an interview, seeming frozen, or they interlock their feet in such a way as to restrict movement. But a lack of movement is not in itself indicative of deception; it is indicative of self-restraint and caution, which both nervous and lying individuals utilize to assuage their concern. Some individuals take the interlocking feet or ankles one step further; they actually lock their feet around the legs of their chair (see figure 29).

Finally, foot and leg behavior is especially important to observe when you first meet people. It reveals a lot about how they feel about you. If they are not mirroring your body language, or drifting apart, they might simply need more space or are feeling uncomfortable. When you combine your knowledge of foot and leg non-verbals with signals from other parts of the body, you become even more capable of understanding what people are thinking, feeling, and intending to do.

Mars vs Venus (Mature Age)

Mature Age: "It's all about me again"

Emotional Intelligence

In previous posts I mentioned that the level of emotional intelligence and the ability to read other peoples' feelings and thoughts and feel the empathy is on average better in women than men.

Evolutionary psychologists explain that this ability helped women recognize dangerous and aggressive behaviors and as a results protect their children. It also helped them understand the needs of babies who cannot speak yet. A negative side of stronger emotional center is that women get more easily agitated, are more sensitive and react strongly towards negative emotions such as fear.

When a woman is faced with emotions from other people, a part of the brain for emotional empathy activates. When a man is faced with the same emotions, the same part activates only for a short while but very soon the cognitive empathy center activates. This means that they respond to an emotion with rational thinking instead of long term empathy. In addition, men take much more time to read the body language and facial clues on how other people think and feel. The only emotion they can read as quickly as women is a threat or anger.

When a woman is upset and the man realizes it, his natural tendency is to rationally analyze the situation and offer solutions, while the only thing a woman wants is a hug and comfort. Many women complain about their men being non-empathetic, cold and distant. But this doesn't mean that they care less. It is just the way their brain is programmed and has been trained by the society.

On average men give more importance to hierarchy and success. It is built in their genetical code to compete and win. That is why it is important for them to ensure and keep their status at work and in the society. They tend to react very strongly to anything that might jeopardize their status.

Mature Age

In the menopause woman's centers for emotional empathy start to be less sensitive to emotions because of decrease in estrogen and oxytocin. When taking care of the children she wont feel as good as before and she becomes less sensitive to other peoples' needs. The drive to help her close family is being replaced with a drive to have impact on a broader society.

Perimenopause is one of the most volatile hormonal periods in woman's life, where one minute she can feel ecstatic and the other completely depressed. In that period woman faces all kinds of menopause symptoms, from heath waves, depression, insomnia to depression and anxiety.

The male brain will never suffer from such a dramatic decrease in hormons, and therefore, the change in this age will be much more prominent for women. Also, the level of testosteron in a woman decreases even further and her libido weakness. Sometimes, the reverse happens and woman feels the so called "postmenopause uplift" because she won't worry anymore about getting pregnant, about her children and is not worried about how she looks.

In this period woman become less interested in taking care of her children all the time, especially once the children become independent and leave the home. The separation from children already starts in teenage age when there is much less physical contact. In addition, she is less willing to take care of her husband and do the household work. Instead, she now want to spends her times on things she didn't have the time before, from social work, to friendships and travels. The brain is now at the intellectual peak so many women decide to study again. In summary, they rediscover their freedom.

If she has grandchildren, woman became very much engaged and enjoys her new role. In this time she reconnects with her children as she starts to play an important role in their lives.

When a man reaches the age of fifties and sixties, there is a decrease in testosteron and vasopressin which makes him more cuddly and emotional. The male brain becomes more similar to a female one. Now he listens more, and is more attentive and caring about his family and partners. Many men are more than thrilled to take on the role of being a grandpa and taking care of their grandchildren sometimes gives them more pleasure than it was taking care of their own.

The key to overcoming the difference at all the stages in our lives is to be aware of them and align the expectations that we have from each other that reflect those differences. The research shows that when we criticize the other person, it takes five compliments to neutralize the negative feelings we produce with the critique. Therefore, in order to maintain harmonious relationships, the author suggests more compliments, less critique, more understanding and accepting the other person as they are.

Mars vs Venus (Parenthood)

Parenthood: "It's all about the baby"

Mom's brain

After giving birth female brain changes structurally and functionally. The hormons and physical contact with a child make a woman ready to do anything to protect their children.

The smell of a baby contains pheromones that stimulate female brain to produce oxytocin, the same hormon responsible for falling in love.

Giving birth and breast feeding very often decrease the sexual desire. This is normal as the contact with the baby's skin produces oxytocin and dopamin which makes her feel loved, connected and physically and emotionally satisfied.

Now, the female brain has been irreversibly changed and woman will find it difficult to go back to work. She needs to balance the care for the child and keeping up with the career, which many women find stressful and almost unmanageable. Are women not meant to work then? Even in prehistorical times, women were taking on two roles of both taking care of children and providing for food. But the key was the reliance on help from other women. Caring for a child doesn't have to be solely mother's responsibility as long as the person who is taking care of them does it with love and patience.

Regardless of what choices they make regarding their careers, new moms need a predictable environment to function well. This goes for the context of high and low resources (money, other people helping etc).

Dad's brain

Women are not the only ones with chemical reactions to a pregnancy and new born child. Some men get a Couvade syndrom, where they feel everything that their wife feels during the pregnancy (nausea, tiredness, gaining weight). The level of cortison increases just before the due date in order to increase their alertness and caution. The level of testosteron decreases which decreases their sex drive and makes them more caring.

Same as mom, dad builds the connection with the child through the physical touch. This helps him be synchronized and have a specific way of communicating with his child.

Research shows that the interaction between dad and baby is more frequent and different when mom is not around. When dad is alone with his child, he is more spontaneous. Maybe he feels that the mom dominates and is not so trusting. This is because since the prehistorical age women were trusting their children with other women. Therefore, moms should make a conscious effort not to criticize them and encourage their interactions with the baby.

Dad's way of interacting with children spurs the curiosity and their ability to learn. The game with boys is typically more physical, creative, and thus more visible and stimulative. The rough game with the father builds the boy's self-confidence and physical and verbal teasing is the way that fathers connect with them.

With their baby girls fathers build connection by listening to their wishes and being helpful (e.g. repairing a broken toy) and solving their problems.

Fathers also use a more direct and authoritative way of communicating with children. They think that their role is to teach their children the discipline. Therefore, they balance between being protective and authoritative but at the same time playful and mischievous.

Mars vs Venus (Adulthood)

Adulthood Age: "I want a partner"

Choosing the partner

The research shows that women on conscious and subconscious level choose a partner based on their material and social status and are less concerned about the looks. Women are also on average more attracted to older (3-4 years) and taller men. Women are more selective in their choice as they put much more effort in the whole reproduction system: it takes them 9 months of pregnancy, difficult giving birth and breast feeding to ensure the child's survivor, while a man only needs to "plant one seed".

The men, on the other hand, looks for more physical clues in their partners. They are observant of signs of partners' health, such as clean skin, shiny eyes and hair, full lips, and sand watch type of figure. Why are those important? On a subconscious level they show signs of fertility.

Historically, men used to overestimate their qualities when presenting themselves to women so women learnt how to spot the lies and exaggeration. This is exactly when the ability to read facial expressions and emotions comes handy to women. Due to this increased caution women fall in love more slowly than men do.

Infatuation

When humans fall in love, the centers for caution (amigdale) and critical thinking (front cingular cortex) are turned off. This is why we do not see negative sides of our loved ones. At the same time the brain produces more dopamin and oxytocin which makes us happy and puts us in the state of ecstasy, similar to the effect of drugs. Separation from the loved one triggers a chemical reaction similar to one of drugs withdrawal.

Touching and hugging produce oxytocin and dopamin that increase the sense of connectedness with the other person. The caring and love centers dominate while skepticism and caution disappear.

Relationship

After about a year into a relationship, the levels of dopamin and oxytocin decrease and deactivate constant desire and pleasure seeking. Now the centers for attachment and connection activate. At this point many women (and also men) start doubting their choice because they don't feel so much in love anymore. But what happens is the activation of centers for attachment and connection that brings the sense of stability, joy and relaxation. This makes couples less focused on each other which is critical once the baby comes along. It seems that the drop in the romantic love and sexual intensity happens in order to ensure that the humans reproduce and take care of their babies.

The hormon that keeps men connected is vasopressin and it gets activated by touch. This is why men need two to three times more touching to maintain the levels of oxytocin.

Another difference is in the context in which the connection happens. Women get more attached to a men if they are not in a stressful stage in their lives. Namely, the stress reduced the oxytocin levels and makes women less willing to get intimate and connected. Men on the other hand are more likely to fall in love when they are in a highly stressful environment (stress at work, or intense physical strain).

Monogamy vs Polygamy

There is one gen that influences a vasopressin receptor and that gen defines a man's tendency towards monogamy or polygamy. The men with the longest variation of the gen are more reliable and loyal partners. It seems that size does matter :)

The next post will be about parenthood and then finally the mature age.

Mars vs Venus (Adolescence)

Adolescence: "I need to belong"

Girls as teenagers

Teenage girls are obsessed with their looks. The brain sends signals on how to become a woman. The high levels of estrogen makes their physical appearance their ultimate reason of existence. Girls are more prone to the stress caused by social interactions, while boys who react get stressed when their authority is jeopardized.

In the first two weeks of woman's cycle, when the estrogen levels are high, they will be more interested in socializing and be more relaxed. Their brains think faster, sharper and are more alert. Girl's brain is at its peak activity in the 12th day of the cycle. In the last two weeks, when progesteron levels are high, they will be more irritated and want to be left alone. That is when they tend to feel anxious, aggressive and cry very often.

The teenage girls find relaxation and comfort in socializing with their friends and through those conversations they are overcoming hardships and celebrating the joys. At the same time, the system for the emotional control and instinct in the prefrontal cortex is still underdeveloped. Therefore, girls tend to become obsessed with a thought and put immediately into action. It is not rare that teenage girls suffer from depression and make everything more dramatic than it seems. The parents should rather choose to be hated by their daughter and do the right thing, than allow her to have it her way.

Girls also expect to have highly stimulating interactions with boys, which rarely happens. In fact, the difference in level of communication remains a constant challenge in male - female relationships. In teenage ages boys have high levels of testosteron which makes them even more isolated and quiet, and less willing to socialize.

Boys as teenagers

The main change in the male brain is the high level of testosteron, which increases the sex drive. In addition there is an increase in vasopressin that makes a boy vulnerable towards rejection. It will take 8 to 9 years for the brain to become mature.

The parts in the brain responsible for attention and reasonableness are weakened by high levels of vasopressin and testosteron. That is why boys will be less focused on homework and more focused on girls and having fun in general (mostly playing video games).

At the age of 14, boys will go to bed later than girls and want to wake up later. They are more bored and their receptors for pleasurable moments from success are very hard to activate.

Boys react strongly at any signs of danger and are more likely to defend themselves. While the girls can at this age talk for hours, boys keep their communication very short and to the point. They are very sensitive to what others say about them. Even a compliment can be considered as an insult. Fitting into the social groups is the most important thing in the world.

The self-confidence in directly correlated with the impression they leave with their peers.

They feel confident to do whatever they want and feel no fear. That is why they are very likely to get into trouble.

Mars vs Venus (Pre-adolesence)

Men are from Mars, women are from Venus.

Even though I haven't read that book yet, I found two books on the same topic called The Male Brain and The Female Brain written by Louann Brizendine, a neuropsychiatrist who focused her research on women's moods and hormones.

If the science behind is true, we truly are very different, and all the differences can be explained by a different neurology and the way our brains develop and function.

The books talk about male and female hormonal and brain growth from birth to an old age, and explain how different parts of the brain develop and control our behavior.

This post will focus on the pre-teenage age which might be helpful for all you current and future mothers.

Pre-Adolescence: "It's all about me"

Fetus stage

Both male and female fetuses until its eighth week look the same, and are more similar to a female one. In the eighth week of pregnancy the increase of testosteron happens in the male fetus. The testosteron destroys some of the cells in the centers for communication and facilitates production of cells in the centers for sex and aggressiveness. As a result, girls are more talkative than boys, and later on, women will be better in communication and empathy, while men will have a stronger sex drive and aggressiveness than women.

First year

The brain composition of a baby girl and the hormons that it creates is driving her to closely examine faces around her, i.e. girls tend to be more observant of facial expressions. In the first couple of months, the girl's ability to notice and process emotions increases by more than 400%. The same does not happen in a male brain because the increased testosteron kills a number of cells in the communication centers.

Therefore, girls can tell from the looks and reactions of other people whether they are liked or not and are more likely to read non verbal cues from their parents. They normally insist on getting a reaction from people around them, and will do anything to get it: smile, talk, stare, entertain etc.

The boys until the seventh month will be able to read cues from mother's facial expressions. By their first year they will develop an immunity towards the facial expressions and ignore them with ease.

For a girl it is extremely important to be listened to and to be given the full attention. She will equate the amount of attention she gets with her self-worth and will build her self-confidence based on that. In that sense, baby girls will be much more demanding for parents' attention than the boys.

The boys, on the other hand, are highly stimulated by visual exploration of objects around them, especially those in movement and enjoy to explore geometrical shapes, cubes and objects' angles. Boys are more easily irritable and they take more time to calm down. In that sense they demand more of the parent's time and patience as they keep them on their toes at all times.

Infantile puberty

Around 18th month babies enter a hormonal phase called infantile puberty that lasts for 24 months in girls, and 9 months in boys. During this time the ovaries produce enormous amounts of estrogen, which boosts the development of centers for emotions, empathy, intuition, and care about others. The male body produces testosteron and MIS hormon, that develops boy's muscular and movement capabilities, exploratory nature, spatial abilities and affinity for a competitive game.

The nature of interactions

Therefore, women are programmed to keep harmonious relationships and tend to avoid fights or arguments. That is why girls and women are more likely to be cooperative and find a compromise in social interactions. Boys, on the other hand, have more competitive interactions and competing is part of their "program". While girls use words that stimulate cooperation, boys will develop a dictionary that will sound like giving orders.

The reason behind the fact that girls are better in communication goes back to the evolution and how we were trained to survive. Namely, it was important for mothers to read the signs of facial expressions in order to know what their babies wanted. It was also important for women in tribal times to know how to spot more aggressive men and stay away from them, or cooperate with other women to protect themselves.

The men, on the other hand, developed their ability to defend their partners and their territory in order to survive. As a results, in male brains the part responsible for recognizing fear is much bigger than in female brains.

The games and toys

Different interactions and communication styles make boys and girls less likely to play with each other. Boys like more aggressive games and give more importance to toys. Girls care about their friendships and interactions more than the toys. In numbers, boys spend 65% of their free time in competitive games, while girls spend only 35%.

The boys are also more likely to "operate" and explore behind their parents' back and expose themselves toward danger and forbidden objects.

Boys give more importance to hierarchy and that is why they are more likely to enter the games that establish their domination in a group. Girls also establish a hierarchy, but in their case it is more flexible and changes over time.

The hierarchical dominance among boys is gained not only by height but by challenging an opponent and winning a fight.

Girls show aggressiveness in another way. They set the rules of the game and want to be in the center of attention. Therefore, they are walking a fine line between having harmonious relationships and having it their way.

Cognitive abilities

The biggest difference in the cognitive abilities by the age of 5 is in the spatial intelligence. The males brain's part responsible for spatial intelligence is always "turned on", while in the girl's brain is activated only when needed.

Hope you found these information useful. The next posts will be about teenage and adolescent years, and finally mature ages.

About Life Coaching

Next Friday I am officially embarking on the life coaching path. I will take my first course on Coaching at The Coaches Training Institute in London. The program is an in-depth six-month program and includes hands-on coaching, ongoing group work and one-on-one supervision of actual coaching sessions. After successful completion of the program, students are eligible to take the written and oral certification exam, with the goal of becoming a Certified Professional Co-Active Coach (CPCC).

Just before going to London, I wanted to familiarize myself with the coaching industry, the origins of it and the latest trends.

What is coaching?

There are so many definitions out there on what coaching is and isn't. Life coaches are not therapists nor consultants; psychological intervention and business analysis are outside the scope of their work. Life coaching draws inspiration from disciplines including sociology, psychology, positive adult development, career counseling, mentoring and other types of counseling.

The definition I liked the most is the following:

“Coaching is the process of defining a problem, achieving clarity on the desired future state and gaining commitment to a well formed set of actions and measurements to get there. As a result the individual or organisation improves and is able to demonstrate it."

Where does coaching originate from?

The term coach originated in the sports field somewhere in the late 1880s, and has been a well-known sports profession with many different forms for years. Even today, the term coaching often produces a mental image of a football or basketball coach, and depending on what the coach actually does, this analogy may or may not be adequate because the head coach is usually a general manager or chief executive officer responsible for running an entire program.

W. T. Gallwey wrote his book in 1974 entitled "The Inner Game of Tennis." According to many people this was the first major transition from the sports coaching model of control and teaching to what Werner Erhard and eventually Thomas Leonard developed and fine-tuned into personal coaching.

Who is the founder of life coaching?

Thomas Leonard is considered to be the founder of life coaching, which he, at that time, called personal coaching. He came on the scene from the financial world in about 1988, where he had a life-planning course entitled "Life Creates Your Life". Leonard is credited with codifying coaching into a curriculum to teach people how to be a coach. He was a financial planner and realized that his clients, though emotionally stable and hardly candidates for therapy, nonetheless needed more from him than just the usual tips on how to invest and safeguard their incomes.

Leonard’s career gradually shifted from financial planning to full-time developing his coaching methodology which at the time he called “life-planning”.

In the early 1990's Leonard founded the first formal coach-training program he called Coach University. Coach U as it came to be known, offered courses in coaching that were conducted live or via a series of conference calls called “teleclasses”.

A later development was Coachville, a community for the Coach U students and graduates. He was also instrumental in founding the International Coach Federation (IFC). This worldwide body was the first to set and publish industry standards and ethics and provide independent credentialing of coaches and accreditation of coaching schools.

How does coaching work?

Through a properly delivered and understood process, coaching takes the clients from where they are to where they want to be.

The coaching process is about holding the clients accountable to do what they need to do to have life as they want it. Coaches don't tell their clients what to do. Rather they lead clients to their own solutions by asking questions and then making careful suggestions; identifying appropriate resources and offering choices.

Coaching is about facilitating the client to learn to make good choices than about giving specific advice as in consulting.

What are the latest trends in the coaching industry?

1. Increased supply of coaches
2. Increased demand for coaching
3. Increasing maturity in the coaching market
4. Increased need for niches and differentiation
5. Growth in coaching products
6. Growth in coaching programs
7. Growth in availability of web-based technologies

What is the scale of life coaching?

Recent estimates indicate that there are now between 30,000 to 50,000 active coaches worldwide.

What does it take on a personal level to be a coach?

In the training material, I found the sentence that describes it perfectly: "One must be fascinated by human potential, inspired by individual creativity, and unwaveringly committed to holding others as grand and capable."

This is only a short overview of coaching as a profession. I will write about certain aspects in greater detail as I progress in the trainings and practice.

The Ultimate Complexity

This summer I read a book by Gregory David Roberts called Shantaram.

The Ultimate Complexity

The book has many great quotes and I might refer to it further in my posts.

For now, I want to share with you a part that I found really intriguing and that is a theory called the Ultimate Complexity. This theory explains what is good and what is evil, i.e. it tries to answer one of the ultimate questions: what's moral and what's not?

The theory goes as follows (paraphrased):

What is the Ultimate Complexity?

The universe came to its existence by a Big Bang when first tiny bits were created. With time, those tiny bits came together as particles. The particles came together in first atoms, the atoms came together to make molecules, the molecules came together to make the first stars, the first stars exploded in a shower of new atoms that in turn created new stars and planets.

This process was not random, but the universe has a nature, for and of itself, and its nature is to combine, to build, and to become more complex. It always does this. If the circumstances are right, bits of matter will always come together to make more complex arrangements. In western science it is called the tendency towards complexity. This tendency has carried the universe for fifteen billion years from almost perfect simplicity to the kind of complexity that we see around us. The final destination then is the Ultimate Complexity or as some call it God.

What do we as humans represent in this theory?

By the same token, humans are the most developed expression of the complexity in our bit of the universe.

So how does this relate to the definition of good and evil?

Anything that enhances, promotes, or accelerates this movement toward the Ultimate Complexity is good. Anything that inhibits, impedes, or prevents this movement is evil.

Why is this theory of morality more objective than any other theory (religious or secular)?

The definition of what is good and what is evil is in a way defining a unit of morality. Each secular or religious group defines morality in their own way.

The author argues that basing morality on the fact of the universe's tendency towards complexity is, at this point in time and with our best scientific knowledge, the closest to being objective in defining what's good and what's evil. It is based on facts and it encompasses the existence of the whole universe as we know it.

How do we then judge what's good and what's evil?

In order to judge whether an action is good or evil, we need to ask two questions:

1) What would happen if everyone did this thing?

2) Would this help or hinder the movement towards complexity?

What are some practical examples?

We all know that killing is wrong. Based on this theory, if everyone killed each other, the human race would be wiped out and we would cease to exist. If everyone stole, people would get paranoid and would spend so much money and time on their self-protection which would hinder the progress of the human race and moving towards complexity.

On the other hand, love, friendship, loyalty, freedom are good as that would help us on our way towards the ultimate complexity.

Maybe next time when you judge whether something is good or evil, you can think about those two questions and whether your action would lead to more or less complexity of the universe.

I would love to hear your experiences and thoughts on this one and whether it passes the test in practice.

About the Book

The book is a semi-autobiography and talks about a guy from Australia who was sentenced to nineteen years of prison for a series of armed robberies and escaped from prison to Bombay (which corresponds to author's life story). In Bombay he established a clinic for slum-dwellers and worked as a counterfeiter, smuggler and street soldier for mafia. The book is full of convincing descriptions, strong emotions, and unexpected twists and turns. It depicts the preciousness and fragility of life through his incredible stories. Highly recommended, but keep in mind that it has 1000 pages!

Right vs Wrong

In May I attended a seminar about, among other things, bringing awareness to a fixed way of being and/or having a persistent complaint.

How can you recognize whether you have a fixed way of being or a persistent complaint?

It happens, for example, when you have an argument with your parents and you get stubborn only to prove them wrong. Or if you think that your way of living and decisions you make are better than your friends' or acquaintances', and catch yourself thinking: "I could never do what he/she did!" Or when you think that the way household is run is the only right way to do it and you complain to your husband/wife how "they just don't get it". Or if at work you catch yourself thinking, or maybe even saying: "I would never do the thing you did. This is so wrong. I would have done a much better job than you." Or if you come to a post office or a bank, and you catch yourself thinking: "The workers here are so inefficient and slow. They are wasting my time."

The payoff of this actions is that you are right, and they are wrong. That you dominate while someone else is being dominated by you. That you are winning and they are losing. "They" in this context can be anyone, from colleagues to your significant other, parents, siblings or friends. In all these situations you are stopping the good feelings to emerge, such as love, affinity, vitality, satisfaction and fulfillment.

What happens on each side? The people around you will inevitably feel bad, especially if you express or show your point of view (the body language is sometimes louder than words). You, on the other hand, will get upset and feel negative emotions in the pursuit of "winning" the argument. You might feel that you "won" something, that you are right and have a short feel-good moment. But it will be only that: a flashlight of happiness. This cannot bring you a continuous happiness because, while winning you are also losing. You lost a nice moment you could have had with that person. It is our reactive side when our buttons are pushed that activates and wants us to be right at any cost, at all times. Sometimes, the cost is massive and irreversible even though it's not immediately visible or apparent.

Next time you catch yourself thinking: "You are so wrong. I am so right.", stop for a moment, take a deep breath and let go of those familiar feelings that are coming over you. Decide not to react this time. Maybe it will allow you to create space for kindness and forgiveness. Maybe the situation that normally drives you crazy, this time won't feel bad at all. And just maybe, you will get a smile from that bank-teller, a compliment from your colleague, and a hug from your significant other.

Paradox of Choice

Paradox of Choice by Barry Schwartz on TED talks about the ever increasing choices we have in life and whether it makes us happy or not.

"The more choice and the freedom in choosing people have, the more welfare they have and the happier they will be." This is the basic premise about the freedom of choice and it's hard to argue that this isn't true. But is it really so?

The research shows that the net feelings (good feelings minus bad feelings) drop as the number of options increases.

The main reasons Schwartz mentions are:

1. The more options there are, the easier it is to regret about anything disappointing related to the choice we made.
2. Opportunity cost subtracts from the satisfaction of the choice we made, even when what we chose is terrific. Furthermore, when there are lots of alternatives, it is easy to imagine the attractive sides of other options.
3. The overal expectation about how good a thing we are choosing should be increases as the number of options increases. We are thus more likely to be disappointed with whatever our choice is.

Therefore, the next time you have to choose, just relax, go with the gut feeling and enjoy your choice. Remember that you would have had doubts even if you had chosen something else.

The video is very entertaining with many funny moments.

http://www.ted.com/talks/lang/eng/barry_schwartz_on_the_paradox_of_choice.html

59 seconds

59 seconds is a book written by Richard Wiseman, one of the self-help gurus.

He is introducing new tricks that work well and quickly (in 59 seconds) when it comes to relationships, motivation, personality, luck etc.

I will mention here only the most interesting parts, for the rest I recommend reading the book.

How to appear more attractive?

The classical myth when it comes to attraction is "playing hard to get". The logic is that the person who is picky has high criteria and so the chosen person should feel privileged and happy.

Wiseman says that a quick touch can work really well (especially for men), and even better than playing hard to get. Namely, women consider men with a higher social status more attractive. From evolutionary perspective, those men represent partners who are capable to provide for them and their children.

A man can show this status with a slight touch of the woman's upper arm, as this shows the domination over the person who is being touched. A woman will unconsciously read this touch as a sign of a superior male and be more attracted to him. The touch has to be short, limited on the upper arm and followed by a compliment or a small request.

How to make a big decision?

The study described in the book shows that the more a person thinks about the decision, the more likely it is that one would regret it afterwards. Instead, the process should go as follows: know exactly what you need to decide on, and then instead of weighing pros and cons, do something that will distract your attention from the conscious decision making. In these moments the unconscious part of the brain will do the work. Whatever the decision after this break is, would be the decision people would regret the least.

Why is that? The conscious mind is good when it has to take into account only two or three criteria, but it has a limited capability of processing many small details and nuances. Instead of taking into account all of the factors, conscious mind only focuses on two most important ones and neglects the rest. On the other hand, the unconscious mind has the ability to do just that.

How to spot a liar?

The conventional thinking is that the liars will be nervous and tense, sweat and ramble instead of talk.

In the book Wiseman mentions a study that shows some unexpected signs of lying. It says that liars know that the above mentioned symptoms can be seen as signs of lying. That is why liars consciously do not use excessive gesticulation, they tend to repeat the same phrase, give shorter answers without too much details, do not use the words me, myself, mine but use his/her instead. So next time a person talks to you without emotions, slowly and with hesitation, beware that they might be playing a trick on you.

How to get back a stolen wallet?

The research showed one thing that could increase the chances of getting back your stolen or lost wallet by 30% - placing a picture of a small child in a prominent place in your wallet. The evolutionary mechanism awakens the sensors for taking care of the child in the person who found the wallet and saw the picture, so they are more likely to give the wallet back.

The "What?"

Since I can remember, I had always preoccupied myself with two questions. One was a generic one: "What is the meaning of life?" The other was a more personal one: "What is my mission in life?"

I gave up on figuring out the first question (or came up with too many different and very often conflicting answers), but I never stopped thinking about the second one.

Upon completing the high school I had to decide what would be my undergraduate studies. My natural choice was psychology as I was always intrigued by how we humans make decisions, what drives us, what makes us happy, why we live in paradoxical ways, why are relationships so easy yet so complicated, how to make the most of our one and precious life.

In spite of my natural tendency towards investigating the human nature, I decided to study Economics and added the psychology piece to my hobbies. Economics and business opened up a new path for me and I quickly integrated into the whole business environment. I traveled a lot with work, met many inspiring and interesting people and even though I enjoyed every project I worked on and the people I was working with, I felt that one piece of the puzzle was missing.

Many times I would start a conversation with friends and colleagues about our true passions and how to make a living out of it. I enjoyed so much listening to other people's passions, dreams, business ideas and life long plans. But when it was my turn, I suddenly blocked and could never verbalize what my passion is. And then once, when I was talking to my career coach in the second year of the business school, it suddenly dawned on me. I told my coach: I would love to be the person on the other side of the table! I want to do what you are doing! I love to listen to other people and help them make their dreams come true!

Finally, I got the clarity on "What to do". But the process on "How to get there" was and still is very vague and uncertain. To be frank, I still have doubts that this could one day turn into a career.

Luckily, life works in a funny but simple way - once you have the alignment of clarity and commitment, things start coming together. Very soon I met the right people and got the right information, which, I believe, set me on the right path. It will be a long and hard, but fun and fulfilling journey and I'm happy to share every happy and less happy experience with you.

As Abraham Lincoln once said: "And in the end, it's not how many years in your life that count. It's the life in your years."

That's exactly what I wish to you: A Life "Full of Life".

Why Blogging?

Hello my dear friend!

The first post merits a few technical explanations: what have I been up to until now and the purpose of the blog.

A quick scan through my resume: I completed my undergraduate studies in Economics in Croatia, after which I worked in a management consulting company with many extensive travels, from Dubai, to Europe, to Brazil. I've spent last two years in Boston, studying towards my MBA degree and as of October, I will be working in the same company in New York City.

Very recently I realized that my life calling is about helping others achieve their goals and have clarity on what kind of life they want to live. In other words, I have decided to embark on a journey of becoming a Life Coach (this is the profession that, at this point, best captures those goals). This blog is one step towards communicating and realizing my commitment to living my purpose.

In this blog I will express my ideas about achieving a happier life, share the messages from the books I've read, write about the steps I am taking on my Life Coaching journey, and, of course, tell stories from my life in NYC.

I hope you will enjoy the reading and I invite you to share your comments and thoughts!

With love,

Sanja